Newspaper Snack Machines

Jan 08

We at Newspaper Snack Machines are confused and upset by this announcement — that our beloved [redacted] cafeteria is becoming … vending machines?

I wanted to announce to all [redacted] employees that, effective March 9, 2013, we are planning to change food-service vendors in both the [redacted] building and the [redacted] plant.  We plan to move away from a full-service cafeteria with fixed hours, towards an on-site “market style” food service operation that will be open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

This “market style” arrangement will provide employees with access to an array of higher-end vending options, fresh meal choices, pre-made sandwiches, salads, beverages and other selections.  We believe this arrangement will continue our ability to provide high-quality food options, and to do so for all [redacted] employees.  This food will be available for purchase at any time day or night, so everyone will be able to take advantage of these food options, no matter their work schedules.  We will provide more specific information about this over the next few weeks.

Apr 09
Taco Flavor Doritos: What Doritos makes with the leftover seasonings from all its other flavors.

Taco Flavor Doritos: What Doritos makes with the leftover seasonings from all its other flavors.

Dec 09
An attempt to demonize the vending machines, so no one will use them and they can be eliminated.

An attempt to demonize the vending machines, so no one will use them and they can be eliminated.

Nov 29
Dear Tastykake: Either embrace the C-K substitution, or don’t. Your inconsistency is upsetting the journalists.

Dear Tastykake: Either embrace the C-K substitution, or don’t. Your inconsistency is upsetting the journalists.

Nov 17
Bib not included.
This flavor has allegedly been discontinued.

Bib not included.

This flavor has allegedly been discontinued.

Nov 16
Mrs. Freshley’s: fighting the good fight against protein for 17 years.

Mrs. Freshley’s: fighting the good fight against protein for 17 years.

Nov 10
We are told that an employee at this East Coast newspaper bought his own six-pack of Sunkist and left it on his desk. The next morning, his sodas were in the soda machine, with this hand-written label.

We are told that an employee at this East Coast newspaper bought his own six-pack of Sunkist and left it on his desk. The next morning, his sodas were in the soda machine, with this hand-written label.

Nov 10
From a mid-sized, Mid-Atlantic paper. Cheerwine is a soda primarily found in North Carolina.

From a mid-sized, Mid-Atlantic paper. Cheerwine is a soda primarily found in North Carolina.

Nov 06
From Arkansas’ largest newspaper (google that tagline and you’ll know which one).

From Arkansas’ largest newspaper (google that tagline and you’ll know which one).

Nov 03

“Western Omelette on Toast”

We’re a small newspaper in New England. I’ve eaten many a questionable chicken- and tuna-salad sandwich out of the break room vending machine, but the Western Omelette on Toast is a bridge too far.